No Magic Bullet

Well, I just got back from another visit with one of NYC's rockstar lactation consultants. She gave me some ideas, helped us refine our latching technique, pointed out some "asymmetries" in the way vv uses her mouth, lent me a video, recommended how to treat the nipple infection I seem to be getting. And -- the pain is still there. We also determined that though the baby is getting plenty to eat overall, her suck is inefficient and she's working really hard to get just an "okay" amount of milk.

I was hoping that this second, post-frenotomy meeting would be when the lactation consultant showed me the magic technique, which vv would now be able to accomplish because her little tongue is free of restriction, which would allow us to nurse pain-free.

But that didn't happen -- that technique doesn't exist for us. All of the pros we've met with have given us all their tricks, and each one helps a little, but nothing "fixes" the problem.

And, there's no particular anatomical thing that is wrong with her or me that explains the pain and problems. Yes, we had her frenulum clipped, but she wasn't extremely tongue-tied, not to the extent that it would have affected anything except her nursing -- and in fact, "fixing" it didn't "fix" the problem. Likewise the osteopathic manipulation addresses physiological things that affect nursing . . . but they are things that as far as I can tell, are generally pretty minor.

There's no real single explanation for what's wrong.

So what I now know is: this is just hard for us. The breastfeeding mantra, "Nursing doesn't hurt; if it does, we can fix the problem" doesn't apply to us. This is the way it is, at least until vv's mouth grows a bit and maybe the latch automatically gets deeper. There is no moment in the near future when things will suddenly be better.

So the way I now have to approach it is a combination of acceptance and persistence. Keep plugging away at small improvements, while recognizing that This Is It. This is us "really doing it." Since she's getting enough to eat and seems to be thriving, I can begin to accept this. We are not just getting by until we figure out the Right Way. This painful, non-spontaneous thing we're doing is our "breastfeeding relationship."

And maybe that's the lesson for me. In many of my endeavors -- especially those most important to me -- I've gotten obsessed with the problems and flaws -- almost all less substantial than the ones we're dealing with now. And I proceeded in those endeavors with the understanding that when those problems got cleared up, then I'd be REALLY doing the thing I was trying to do. Until then it didn't really count, or I was doing it in a provisional, temporary way. I think that made me do lots of things that I really cared about from an arms length -- or, with the assumption that whatever flaws I brought to the endeavor kept me from actually fully doing the thing.

But everything we do is flawed; the seemingly perfect state of doing almost anything is fleeting at best; especially if you're a person like me who is over-sensitive to detail.

So, here I am with my daughter, on the couch again, her working hard, me ignoring the pain and staring at her beautiful face. We continue our nursing relationship.